Working It Out

When You Just Can’t Seem to Work Together

JUST ASK DR. LEAH... I have custody of my children, but my ex-husband has generous visitation rights. It was hard enough when the children returned from visits with my ex-husband when he was a single, overly indulgent parent. Now that he's remarried, his wife, whose values are different than mine, influences them. She also badmouths me. I have trouble getting them to do homework, put their things away, and disciplining them. After being there, they refuse to listen to me. What can I do?

DR. LEAH REPLIES... Transitioning between households is confusing, especially when they have different values, rules, and expectations. Explain to them that they have to follow your house rules, just as they have to be quiet in the school library, but can be loud in the school playground. Tell them you set your house rules according to what you think is best for them. Rather than fight about the "mean mother" role she tries to put you in and bad mouth her back (which could make you appear nasty), be the bigger person. Your consistent TLC, unconditional love, and reliability speak louder than words. They will grow to respect and appreciate you.

When the Other Parent Has Serious Problems

JUST ASK DR. LEAH... My former wife has a serious alcohol problem as well as other mental problems stemming from her abusive childhood. She has spent significant time in rehab. At other times, she lives with various men or stays with different family members. There are brief periods when she is able to participate minimally in the lives of our two children, ages ten and eight. I do not know how to explain what goes on to the children. I know they miss their mother terribly. I am broken hearted for them. What should I tell them?

DR. LEAH REPLIES... Your children are experiencing tremendous feelings of loss and abandonment. The fact that their mother is in and out of their lives continues to give them the hope that she can become a caring and loving mother. Every time these hopes are dashed they become less trustful and, possibly, more angry. In addition, both your children are more vulnerable to possible drug and alcohol abuse. This is a difficult and tragic situation and you need help and support to continue to do the right things for your children. Please find a psychologist who can help you sort out your own feelings and make the best possible choices for your family. A psychologist who specializes in working with families might be the best option. You will also want your children to have a safe and confidential place to talk about their feelings.

Dealing with your children’s concerns and feelings, however, will certainly be an every day challenge. Questions and concerns will come up at the most unlikely times, not just in the psychologist’s office. Simply acknowledging their feelings is almost always the right thing to do. Tell them that you know how much they miss their mother. Tell them you know they wish that she was with all of you all the time. Encourage healthy habits and demonstrate responsible behavior in your own life. Prepare for the happy times when they can be with their mother. Keep a special box so that each child can store away report cards, clippings, postcards, and anything else that they would show their mother every day, if circumstances were different. Encourage them to write her when she is in treatment, if this is permitted. Many treatment centers have programs for the family as well. Investigate these and participate, if at all possible.

Your children will need to be gently told of their particular vulnerability to drug and alcohol addiction. Speak with your school psychologist about the drug and alcohol awareness curriculum at your children’s school. Be prepared by knowing when these topics are going to be discussed. Discuss with the school psychologist the possibility of alerting your children’s teachers to your children’s particular sensitivities regarding the effects of drug and alcohol abuse.

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