Surprised by Unexpected Wedding Bells

JUST ASK DR. LEAH… My eight-year-old daughter came home from weekend parenting time with her father and announced that Daddy is getting married. She has been introduced to 'Daddy's new wife' and asked me if she should call her mommy, too. Daddy (who constantly cries poor when I ask for help with things like camp or the dentist bill) is planning an exotic destination wedding, which interferes with plans I already made. He never talks to me but, at the same time, tries to control everything. My daughter seems confused and, frankly, I have not stopped crying. I just don't know how to deal with the latest upheaval in our lives. What should I do?

DR. LEAH REPLIES… This has been a confusing and unhappy time for both you and your daughter. Your former husband should have spoken to you ahead of time and privately about his upcoming marriage plans so your daughter could get used to the idea. Obviously, rightly so, you found the news of his remarriage upsetting. In short, both you and your daughter are hurting.

What's the real message? The wedding announcement is a clear message that your ex will continue to issue "news bulletins" and last minute plan changes as he sees fit because his priority is control. It is unlikely that he will ever communicate with you appropriately or respectfully because keeping you out of the loop lets him feel more in control. This pattern of control behavior can be overwhelmingly stressful. You can't help your child without helping yourself first.

Talk to a psychologist. Psychologists are people experts with extensive training and experience. A psychologist will help you effectively tackle the emotional chaos "control freaks" inevitably create and to explore compassionately your feelings and those of your daughter. Friends may listen (and, likely, talk about you later), but friends are burdened by their own baggage even if they honestly attempt to help you. It's wrong to think that only "crazy" people see psychologists. Psychologists work primarily with people coping with difficult circumstances and striving to make things better.

In the meantime, keep in mind:

You are the only mommy. Your little girl was asking what she should call the new wife. She was not looking to replace you. She was just trying to bring some sense of order and understanding to Dad's unexpected announcement. Simply stated, your daughter was trying to figure out "the rules". She would have been relieved and satisfied if you had just said, "No, call her . . . (by her first name).

"Stepmothers should not be envied. Your ex's soon to be wife is stepping into a difficult role. Even if she and your daughter got along famously while she and Dad were dating, marriage, as we all know, is an entirely different situation. Resist the urge to gloat or encourage their inevitable clashes. Your daughter may feel guilty about even liking her because in a child's mind this somehow lessens the love she has for you. By taking the high road, you are showing your daughter that the capacity for love and respect only increases as we share these feelings with others. Nix the name calling ("garbage that should be dead"; "plastic woman"; and, of course, the all time favorite: "wicked step-mother"); why give anyone permission to come up with unflattering nicknames for you?

Changes and adjustments. You did not mention the parenting time schedule, but it sounds like there are going to be changes in routine for your daughter. Try to figure out what new arrangements, if any, are going to be part of the parenting time schedule. Will your daughter be sharing a bed or bedroom? Will there be younger or older children? Try to prepare your little girl for these changes by giving her the opportunity to know about them ahead of time and thinking of how these changes might alter her parenting time with Dad.

Try (again) to keep the lines of communication open. Will your ex respond to e-mail? Ask the logistical details of the upcoming marriage so you can help your daughter prepare. Will she have a role at the ceremony? If so, what is expected? Is this okay with her? What are the wedding travel arrangements? Will she need more than one special outfit? If he is buying the dress, will he also be purchasing the shoes? Ironing out these details and expectations will help your daughter feel more confident and grounded on his wedding day. Try to encourage some one-on-one time with your daughter so she can feel reassured of her important place in Dad's life. Is his new wife willing to speak to you about practical matters like wedding plans and/or parenting time schedules? You may want to warn her or call her every name in the book, but remember, at least for now, that this woman will be important in your little girl's life.

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