Struggling with
single parenthood?

Telling the Children and
Starting off Right

Why Does Daddy Work All The Time?

JUST ASK DR. LEAH... My husband and I will be separating soon. He is looking for an apartment. He is seldom home and our children, two boys fourteen and nine, are questioning why. I have been telling them that Dad is just busy at work. How can we best tell them daddy is getting an apartment and make things all right for them?

DR. LEAH REPLIES... When marriages or other long-term relationships involving children end, everyone in the family feels pain and confusion. Keep your children’s emotional needs a priority. Simple steps (and some attitude adjustment) will help you meet the challenges and changes coming your way.

The news of this impending separation will not be easy to deliver. Your children will be upset, confused, angry, and frightened. Their questions about Dad’s activities signal that they know that there is more going on than overtime at work. The children are aware that big life changes are brewing.

Make a Plan Together (if possible)... You need to decide what you are going to tell the children, when this is going to take place, and who is going to do it. Careless, hasty words or words spoken in anger will only make a bad situation worse. It is not necessary for both of you to do this together; sometimes this is just too much for one parent to handle or one parent can’t handle this conversation with the children with the other parent present.

Use Common Sense... Do not deliver this news fifteen minutes before the school bus arrives or the Saturday morning before your son is scheduled to leave for his class trip.

A phrase like“ Your father and I just can’t love and support each other the way a husband and wife should” is certainly better than “Living with your father has been hell on earth for me."

Remember the children... This is a terrible time for you. You need to keep in mind, however, that the children are suffering. They will need extra TLC. Their routines and schedules should be maintained, if at all possible. Your love for your children can sustain you, but your children cannot be burdened with the disappointment, anger, and pain you are no doubt suffering. Seek the support you need. Consider counseling or joining a support group, if things get to be more than you handle."

Running Out of Excuses

JUST ASK DR. LEAH... My wife announced last week out of nowhere that she has met her soul mate and wants a divorce. She packed her things the next morning when our children, boys ages nine and four and a daughter thirteen, were at school. So far, I have made up excuses to explain their mother’s absence. My wife says we should tell the children we have drifted apart. I think they deserve the truth, but how do I tell them?

DR. LEAH REPLIES... What your children deserve and what life has dished out are not the same thing. Your children deserve two loving parents committed to each other; what they will get (at best) is two parents who continue to love and support them despite an unexpected shattering of their marriage. The children deserve this terrible situation to be handled with as much sensitivity, concern, and respect for their feelings as is humanly possible.

Listen to Your Own Feelings... You did not expect to be told that your wife was leaving you for someone else. You are not unexpected to handle this life crisis alone. Seek out the sources of emotional strength and comfort you need. Consider counseling. You may feel that it is your wife with the problem not you, but you are the one who is going to be coping with the fall-out from her actions.

Think Before You Speak... Tempting as it may be to tell the children all the lurid details of your wife’s affair, remember that these are your children. You would not be thrilled to have them watching this story as a TV movie; why bring this information about their mother’s betrayal into their lives? What do you expect them to do with this information? Especially for your adolescent daughter, information about adult sexual behavior (or misbehavior) will only add to the natural confusion and uncertainty of these critical growing up years.

Try to Get Organized... Your wife may be in la-la land, but the children still need clean clothes and regular meals. Use the resources you have to keep daily life on track. Ask friends and family for help. Neighbors and friends will happily come to the rescue of a domestically challenged man in distress. Resist the urge to tell all to anyone who will listen. You and your children do not want to be the latest topic of neighborhood gossip. A simple statements like “My wife and I are no longer together; the washing machine is a mystery to me” will get you the help you need. No one has the right to know or can really understand the pain you and your children are feeling now.