Choosing a Sperm Donor

JUST ASK DR. LEAH... When I began considering becoming a single mother through DI, I thought no messy entanglements with the donor would be the big advantage of using a sperm bank. Many of the sperm banks I am investigating heavily advertise "identity release." What are the advantages of using DI only to have the identity of the donor available to your child? Is there a downside to identity release?

DR. LEAH REPLIES... Many women considering DI are concerned about the effect of "genetic bewilderment" which refers to a lack of knowledge about grandparents, ethnic heritage, siblings, and, of course, medical history. Donor children have joined the crusade of many adopted children to gain the right to learn about their biological parents. For these reasons, it is likely that sperm donors will lose much of their anonymity in favor of donor children's rights. Similar to the ideals of the open adoption movement, the so-called open release movement is changing the way sperm banks operate. No one knows exactly what will satisfy the curiosity of DI children in the future. Advances in medical science also make it impossible to know what exactly your child may need to know about their medical history as adults.

Information available to your child is your decision. The amount of information you want available to your child about the sperm donor is an important decision you will need to make. You must be prepared to be very honest with your child about the circumstances surrounding his or her birth, as well as comfortable with the decision you make about access to information you make about the donor. 

Sperm bank policies differ. Every sperm bank specifies its policies about release of the donor identity. Many sperm banks provide a picture of the donor now and when he was a baby. This option meets the need of many DI children to know exactly what their biological father looks like. Some DI children will obviously want to know more. Some banks offer a video "bio" detailing hobbies and interests and include "a message to you or your future children." Some banks will release the name of the donor at the child's request after the age of eighteen years or older. Certain banks may provide the name of the donor shortly after the baby is born.

Identity release is no guarantee. There is the possibility that the donor may change his mind about meeting your child if and when your child decides to locate him. He may have married, and his wife may not be too keen on a relationship between her husband and your child. Some people view a sperm donor more like a tissue or organ donor rather than a biological parent. Even if your child had fairly realistic expectations about the sperm donor, there is always room for disappointment in complicated human relationships.

Identity release can answer some questions. Advocates of identity release believe that the availability of this information prevents DI children from fantasizing that their father is notorious terrorist or a member of some obscure royal family. Some banks maintain a sibling registry, which allows children conceived from the same donor to connect. You may wish to have more than one child fathered by the same sperm donor. This option is also available at many sperm banks.

Find out more. Many prospective DI single moms find online message boards helpful sources of information and support from others who have "been there". Even if you have a huge network of girlfriends, it is unlikely that you know more than one or two women who have used DI to become single moms. Connecting with the online community of DI single moms is an excellent way to put your own emotional house in order and to obtain the latest information and insights from your fellow DI single moms.

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