School Success

JUST ASK DR. LEAH... I am the single mother of a little boy who just started kindergarten. I am worried about doing the right things with his education. My neighbor is a single dad with a first grader and a two year old. He worries about his children doing well in school, too. My boyfriend does not have custody of his children, but definitely wants to be a part of things at school. What can single moms and dads do to help their children make the most of their education?

DR. LEAH REPLIES... Many children today are growing up in single parent and other non-traditional homes. These parents often worry that their family circumstances will interfere somehow in their child’s adjustment and success in school. Every family is uniquely challenged and single parents are no exception. Channel that “worry energy” positively by focusing on ways you can help your child succeed in school.

Stay organized... Successful single parents must juggle many conflicting priorities. Keeping informed and organized is essential. The notices found nearly every day in your child’s book bag are your communication link. Check the book bag daily. Develop a system for keeping track of field trips, book fairs, and other special events. Monitor your child’s school supplies and replace as necessary. This daily routine emphasizes your commitment to success in school and teaches your child the valuable organizational skills critical to school success.

Stay in the loop... Non-custodial parents have same rights to information about their child’s education as custodial parents. Few non-custodial parents exercise this right. Non-custodial parents committed to staying involved with their child’s education should provide the teacher with at least fifty self-addressed stamped envelopes. This small investment means that you will know when school events are scheduled, what your child eats for lunch, and just about everything else a parent needs to know to stay on top of what’s going on in school. Thank the teacher for assuming this extra chore.

Prepare for the inevitable... Single parents do not have the built in back up two family parents enjoy. Without warning, a fever, vomiting, diarrhea, pink eye or other contagious condition will mean your child needs to stay home from school. Asking your child to “tough it out” with over the counter medication is just not appropriate. If your work situation is inflexible, line up last minute back up care options now before the emergency arises. Reassure your child that a back up plan is in place. Keeping a sick child at home assures the school that you are the capable and responsible parent you strive to be.

Get involved... Involvement in parent –teacher organizations is not just for stay at home parents. Many parent-teacher organizations provide extras like computer equipment, cultural activities, and field trips. There are many ways you can assist these organizations without stepping foot in school during the workday. Your involvement allows you to stay connected with other concerned parents and gives you a chance to connect with other single parents. Your child will benefit from these needed contributions and activities as well as see your hands-on commitment to their education. School sponsored events are excellent activities for the non-custodial parent to incorporate into the visitation schedule. Being part of events at school often opens the door to meaningful conversations about other important topics.

Support the teacher... Teachers are the key people in your child’s school life. Most teachers are dedicated, hard-working professionals working with few resources to meet a dizzying array of individual needs. Your child needs to know that his parents and the teacher are a team. Children are experts at divide and conquer. If you disagree with a teacher, whether it is about an assignment or about a way a particular matter was handled, keep this difference of opinion between the adults. Undermining the teacher’s authority and credibility is particularly harmful to a child growing up in a single parent home. Your child may already by struggling with contradictory expectations and demands from parents living in separate households.

Respect the limits... Your family circumstances may be especially challenging and you may feel the teacher is a ready source of aid and comfort. Teachers are not therapists or referees. Your focus is solely on your child, but your child is just one of many in the classroom. Teachers generally have no access to a telephone during the day so expecting to reach him like in a typical business office is not realistic. Write a note, if you feel the teacher needs to know something right away. Expecting a teacher to call you regularly, particularly after school hours from home, is not reasonable.

Red Flag... If your child’s teacher is frequently calling you, this is a red flag that your child is experiencing serious academic or behavioral problems. Talk to the teacher in person and figure out what you can do together to straighten things out. Give the non-custodial parent copies of the notes sent or simply alert him/her to the difficulties taking place. This will go a long way in insuring cooperation once a solution or strategy is attempted.

Parent Conferences... Parent- teacher conferences are regularly scheduled during the school year to allow parents and teachers to discuss students’ progress. Conference times are limited so it is critical to come to the conference prepared. Parent conferences are not open-ended gripe sessions and certainly not the time for you and your former partner to battle it out. Do your best to attend together and listen to what the teacher has to say. If cannot attend together, schedule separate conferences. This is an extra duty for the teacher so express your appreciation accordingly. Write down any questions you have in advance so you remember to ask. Make your best effort to share all information with the other parent.

Resist the urge to tattle... Decide what you think the teacher must know to understand your child and meet his needs most effectively. The teacher does not need to know the dirty details of your former spouse’s affairs or how your finances went south after the break-up. Let the teacher know what role the non-custodial parent is playing in your child’s life. If you have a demanding work schedule or money is especially tight, share the simple facts.

Here are the important questions... Your goal is give your child every opportunity to become an independent, responsible adult. Ask the teacher, “Does my child accept responsibility for his/her work and behavior?” “Is my child interested in learning?” “Is my child able to work independently?” If you hear concerns from the teacher in these areas, find out why your child is not developing these vital life skills.

Lose the guilt... All parents make mistakes and missteps. Words like “broken home” or “dysfunctional family” mean nothing. Single parents are not more likely to have children with problems in school just like growing up in a two-parent home is no guarantee of school success. Do not allow guilt to prevent you from taking positive steps to address problems your child might be experiencing. If your child is experiencing more than his/her share of problems, school psychologists or guidance counselors are excellent (and free) resources. Seek out the help your child needs before little problems become overwhelming.

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