Struggling with
single parenthood?

Out Of Control Kids

Work Stress. Your work schedule now leaves practically no time to devote to your children. Your son is in major need of attention and will continue making poor choices until these needs are appropriately met. Only you can determine your own priorities and options. Are you trying to fast track your career after spinning your wheels during the divorce proceedings? Are you in a low paying job and need to work the extra hours to make ends meet? Are you excited and challenged by your career and anxious to fulfill your ambitions? Lessening your work stress and spending more time with your family is the necessary first step toward addressing your difficulties at home.

Ask for Help. Look at your after school/before school child care arrangements. Are these arrangements giving both your boys the supervision and opportunities they need to flourish? Single dads have an easier time getting help from neighbors and friends, but are often reluctant to admit that they need the help. Can you reach out to extended family? Do you have neighbors who might give you a helping hand? There are ways you can pay back this help by doing an extra carpool duty or just being around to help with a heavy chore. People are generally willing to help out, if asked, but certainly don’t want to intrude or meddle.

Back to Basics. Family upheaval and change are always challenging. Chronic stress can make anyone short -tempered. Try to give fewer "orders" to both children and watch your tone of voice. "Please" and "thank you" go a long way. While every parent request does not require a lengthy explanation, try to let your sons know why certain things need to be done. These explanations should increase your son’s level of cooperation and you may even start to hear polite words in return. Do what you can to establish household routines. Try to avoid expensive and unhealthy take-out food in favor of simple, home-cooked food. Try to share some mealtimes together. Try to tackle the laundry before piles turn into mountains. Strive for increased order at home by getting the garbage out to the curb and the dishes done.

Family Meeting. Set aside time every week for a family meeting. Your children need to see how important communication is to family life. These family meetings should not take place in the car, during meal time, or with the distraction of TV. Open discussion among family members should be the only thing going on. Ground rules need to be established by you because you are the one in charge of your family. Strive to make these family meetings a time when feelings are shared. You certainly will want to share that things at home from your perspective have gotten a little "out of whack" since the separation. As your family develops communication skills, it is likely that the aggressive acting out behaviors will diminish. Encouraging children to "use their words" and then showing how by family example will be the start of many positive changes.

Talk to Mom. Are you able to share your concerns with his mom? Is Mom able to spend time with your son and give him the attention he craves? Make the effort to communicate with Mom, if possible. Try to listen to her point of view and see how you can work together to make things better. If things are particularly strained, e-mail is often a good way to begin.

Undivided Attention. All single parents face overwhelming daily responsibilities. It is not possible to give attention on demand when you have other children as well as extensive responsibilities outside the home. Your nine year old is ready, however, to wait his turn. Try to carve out guaranteed time with Dad. This may be after the younger one is tucked in or when someone (may-be Mom?) can keep an eye on him. It is important that your son see you making him the priority and consistently keeping your word about sharing special time with him. This is your son's time to have your full attention and begin to share his feelings. This is your time to communicate that you do understand that he is angry and upset. You can begin to discuss alternative ways of handling angry feelings, like writing them down or hitting a punching bag, rather than lashing out at people who love him.