Struggling with
single parenthood?

Media Quotes

Newsday - May, 2007
What's your deal breaker?
BY PAT BURSON

Psychologist Leah Klungness of Locust Valley recommends evaluating the situation carefully to determine whether it's something you can or can't live with.

"Was this past behavior simply a youthful indiscretion, bad circumstances or part of a lifetime pattern of trying to skirt the law or do less than the situation required? That's the question potential partners need to ask," she says. "Being alert to whether the past does predict the future will prevent much heartache and emotional pain."

"Take comfort that in the future you will be more alert to this deal breaker before your heart starts ruling your head," Klungness says. "It is unlikely you will find yourself in this situation again."

But if you do, she says, speak to a psychologist or other "people expert," who can help you understand why you are attracted to the very traits or behaviors you find so repellent.

Go with your instincts, Klungness says, and if you don't see things getting better, "mourn your lost hopes and dreams, and move on."

MSN Dating & Personal -- January 21, 2007
Stuck in a dating drought
The newly divorced person going through a dating drought is genuinely experiencing the hurt and confusion of divorce, as opposed to numbing it with instant coupling or frenetic attempts to date lots of inappropriate partners. Emotional preparedness for dating doesn't happen magically because the final papers have been signed. Anger, bitterness, thoughts about betrayal and infidelity can linger. If these feelings aren't worked through, they quickly surface, even in casual dating situation, and can sabotage any chance of romance. When the thought of dating starts with an "I should" instead of an "I want," it's a red flag. 

MSN News -- November 25, 2006
Keep the holiday blues at bay
Newly single daters feel down around the holidays, because everything about the holidays centers on the traditional view of family togetherness. The media images of happy families gathered about the Christmas tree, parents lovingly laying out toys from Santa, couples embracing in a romantic setting—all create the impression that everyone else belongs to a loving family and are certainly half of a loving and committed couple. That makes it easy for you to feel like you’re the biggest exception to that on the whole planet.

A big life change, like suddenly finding yourself single, allows you to redefine the holidays more to your personal liking rather than constantly needing to respond to the demands of others. If you hate to bake, then why do it? Are you flooded with paperwork at your job? This might explain why you describe holiday cards as ‘another big job I need to get out of the way.’ This year, don’t do anything just because you think you should. Instead, do what you truly enjoy.

TechNewsWorld --September 6, 2006
Kids and Tech: How Much Is Too Much?
By Jennifer LeClaire
Incessant exposure to "all day TV," violent video games, instant messaging, and the always accessible cell phone interferes with the development of the psychological traits known to be essential to positive outcomes for children, according to Leah Klungness, Ph.D., psychologist in private practice and co-author of The Complete Single Mother.
Read the entire article: http://www.technewsworld.com/story/52677.html 

Philadelphia Inquirer – July.. 12, 2006
Stepfamily Advice : What should stepmom do when her husband's ex imitates her, dresses like her? Think about why you care and consider that you may still feel competitive and may-be a little threatened. "Real moms" are not about biology, but about the capacity to love and nurture. Focus on your own life and let her do the same.

Associated Press - April 9, 2006
Vintage Style Parenting: Parents are looking to make their homes the safe refuge. While the world doesn't necessarily spin on the latest wallpaper trend, it definitely suggests that on a basic level parents are trying to return to a simpler time with more basic family-centered values. The attraction to vintage-style kids' stuff fits into a larger trend of families de-emphasizing technology in the home and getting back to a family-focused time. More parents are taking this path since the Sept. 11 attacks

Newsday - February 6, 2006
A Fact of Life: A child's origin should never be a secret. If you can't imagine yourself telling your child the story of their conception, then may-be single motherhood is not the right choice for you.

Newsday - August 7, 2005
"Keeping Secrets Can Speak Volumes"
Avoid disclosing family secrets around weddings, graduations and holidays that will change the listener's feelings or beliefs about themselves, such as you're adopted, your Jewish grandmothers isn't really Jewish or your dad isn't your biological father. There's probably never a good time, but there certainly are better times. But be prepared. You might not get the reaction you anticipated. Don't expect to be the hero. Don't expect empathy. Expect some backlash.

Pregnancy Magazine - June 2005
"Going it Alone"
Don't worry too far in advance. Becoming a mom is life altering, but it is just plain silly to lose sleep over who will walk your baby girl down the aisle or who will teach your son how to throw a football. Things have a way of working out. Stay in the moment and concentrate on what you need to take care of now.

Boston Globe - October 28, 2004
"When a Divorced Parent Starts Dating"
"Parents are entitled to a personal life, but it's best to keep it private in the beginning. Children need to know only two things: (1) Since your mother and I aren't living together, there will be new people in my life;(2) You are always the number one relationship in my life. At its heart, this is about trust. Children are likely to wonder, 'Who can I count on to stay around? Who can I trust?' Some blame themselves: 'I'm not loveable.' The more loss there is, the more distrustful they can become, including in their own future relationships. By the time a parent finds someone to commit to, they may be adamantly resistant."

"Even when a relationship is in that stage between casual and committed, keep details from children. For parents with custody, this may mean not having a date come to the house if children are there. For parents who have children on weekends avoid a babysitter. When you have limited time with children, their take-away message is that the person is more important than they are. If a date can't pretend Wednesday is Saturday night, she's not a grown-up."

Boston Globe - November 4, 2004
How do I talk to my 12-year-old son, who is annoyed that his dad now has a girlfriend in his life? We've only been separated for 4 months!

"Your son's annoyance is probably a cover for what he really wants to know: 'How is yet another change going to affect my life?' Ideally, his father would have e-mailed you to let you know what was going on so that (a) your face wouldn't register surprise (or worse) when your son told you, and (b) you could provide accurate information, either reassuring ('This isn't a girlfriend, it's just a girl who is a friend') or helping him understand that a serious relationship is now part of his dad's life ('Yeah, he told me. It's going to take some getting used to, huh?')."

"Since you don't have a clue, the best you can do is reflect and acknowledge your son's feelings ('Gee, it sounds like you're upset') and gently encourage him to discuss it with his father, says psychologist Leah Klungness of Long Island, a specialist in single-parent issues, and coauthor of The Complete Single Mother (Adams Media). What you want to avoid at all costs is putting your son in the uncomfortable position of feeling loyal/disloyal to either of you. So don't vent your unhappiness by saying things like, 'Doesn't your father have any sense? Couldn't he have waited to introduce you?!' and don't ask for details ('Did they hold hands? What did she look like?')."

Klungness also suggests letting his father know that your son was upset, perhaps in an e-mail: "FYI, Jeff was asking about X, who he perceives as your girlfriend. I encouraged him to talk to you about it." 

Smart Money - April 13,2004
"10 Things Your Therapist Won't Tell You."
"Our conversations aren't really confidential."
If you think conversations between therapists and patients are always private, they're not. Court decisions have found that the confidentiality of records should be determined on a case-by-case basis. Should you find yourself in a court case in which you've raised the issue of emotional health, your records can be subpoenaed by the other side. It's common in child custody cases. "Those records can become part of the legal fodder if parents are divorcing." 

Parenting Magazine - April 2004
"Love Connections: How to make grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins play a vital part in your child's life."
"Children with strong ties to extended family can feel safer because they know there are people besides their parents who'll take care of them."
"Family traditions create a link to the past that gives children a sense of their own place in an ordered world."

Daily News - December 4, 2003
"Leaving Baby Behind." 
"The path to single motherhood often begins with a pregnant woman being junked. As the pregnancy becomes more evident, it becomes more real. The events around the couple inevitably become more baby-centered. For some men, the conversations and daily experiences, like shopping for a crib or painting the baby's room pink, aren't enough about them. They're no longer the primary focus. That can translate into chucking everything and running."

"It's hard to give your baby your undivided attention when your personal life is in shambles. Women are more inclined to do whatever they do when stressed out-sleep too much, eat too much. They're not going to focus on being good to their baby." 

Ladies Home Journal - May 2003
"Frazzled Family Makeover."
"A super size schedule of children's activities can be, for many parents, today's version of keeping up with the Joneses. Parents often feel they must permit their children to participate in as many activities as possible so the kids don't fall behind or be viewed as somehow deprived."

"Children under constant adult supervision with rigid time constraints have limited opportunities to feel confidence in their own abilities and to discover creative ways to use the resources at hand. Over scheduling takes time away for imaginative play-that essential activity of childhood---and replaces it with more adult-directed activities bounded by rules and expectations."

Baby Talk Magazine - October 2001
"Single Mom Boom." 
"Many of the statistics quoted on children growing up in single parent home are based on children raised by teen-age single mothers. Teen mothers have few financial supports; their children are victims of poverty and limited opportunity, not of single parenthood."

"Women for whom single motherhood has not been a choice (in cases of unwanted divorce or abandonment, for example) often assume the responsibilities of single parenthood in the face of great emotional trauma. Feelings of loss and betrayal can overwhelm them. Financial crisis often accompanies the unexpected role of single parent. But, when the divorce, the pregnancy, or the adoption in the woman's own decision, and raising a child alone is something she's had some time to plan for, many of the pitfalls of single parenthood can be avoided."

"According to a study conducted recently by the National Sleep Foundation, single parents are incredibly sleep deprived. Though they report spending slightly more hours in bed per night than their married counterparts (7 hours versus 6.7), they have much higher rates of insomnia, and more than two-thirds regularly experience sleep disturbances. Leah Klungness Ph.D., co-author of the Complete Single Mother, explains: Coping with multiple and often conflicting demands, as virtually all single parents do, leaves too little time to think about things through the day, so the brain tries to sort through everything at night. The solution? Set aside time each day to problem-solve and then tell yourself that you'll come back to the problem the next day if necessary. This strategy lets your brain know it's okay to rest and give your body the sleep it needs."

Newsday - November 13, 2001
"And Baby Makes Two-More single women are choosing to become mothers."
"The popularity of single mothers by choice is ultimately a product of the financial independence that women have achieved. It wasn't long ago when women weren't able to get mortgages or do a lot of things if they weren't married. From this financial independence comes the notion that they don't have to have a husband to have a child. Single mothers by choice typically would prefer to be parenting in a committed relationship, but lacking that, they're not willing to lose the opportunity to be parents."

"It is really not possible to successfully raise a child without some kind of support system. Typical women who are contemplating being a single mother by choice look at celebrities and know their financial security is their support system. The middle class women who can successfully handle the situation are women who can afford to get outside help and who have developed a network of real friends as opposed to work friends---people you can call in the middle of the night about your sick child."

Newsday - August 2002
"Taking the Work out of Vacation."
"It is important to talk before the vacation to figure out what everyone would like to do. It's a recipe for bad behavior if you have no plan."

"Use the time to have fun---not to catch up. Try to keep things as simple as possible. Ruthlessly prune family activities down to only the essentials. Try to plan for relaxing things like a picnic in the yard. Anything to distress and bring everyone together. Do things to augment everyone's energy level rather than drag them down, even if you have to schedule the down time."

Twist - April 2002
"Could You Ever Go Shoplifting?"
"Shoplifting can be a cry for help. It's a way of saying, if you don't notice me, I'll give you something to notice. Peer pressure can also be a major factor. There is a spirit of misguided adventure. It's easy to get caught up in peer pressure and make the wrong choices. Boredom can also be a reason some people shoplift."

"Just because someone is a celebrity, it doesn't mean they're a role model. And celebs get bored, too. It's something new to try. You get a rush from shoplifting and then it becomes a bad habit. When you want something, you just steal it---rather than learning the value of working for what you want."
"Once you have a reputation as a thief, you never really lose it. This is not how anyone wants to be perceived."

Better Homes and Gardens - November 2001
"Let's Hear it for the Average Child." 
"Some parents see their children's activities as just another way of keeping up the Joneses. They often feel that they must demand academic excellence and permit their children to participate in as many activities as possible so that their kids don't fall behind."