Getting A Life

How Do I Begin?

JUST ASK DR. LEAH... I’ve reached the limit of enjoying child talk, cartoons, and Disneyland. I crave adult company and, frankly, miss having a man in my life. My ex-husband was my high school sweetheart so it is a long time since I had a first date with anyone. How do I meet men?

DR. LEAH REPLIES... The best way to meet new people is keep your eyes up and open as you go through your daily life. What does that mean? It means, for example, when you are in the supermarket, make eye contact and exchange a friendly word or two, if appropriate. This is a good way to polish up your rusty social skills. Feeling like you are an awkward teen-ager, no matter how old you are, is perfectly normal. Tell friends and family that you are interested in meeting someone and accept the introductions that come your way. Understand that tentativeness and self-consciousness are natural. Your date is likely to feel the same way. Many single adults have met people through dating services, personal ads, and online. None of these ways is more hazardous that talking to that stranger in the supermarket as long as you use common sense. Just as you would in person, be careful how much you reveal about yourself. If you decide to meet in person, chose a public place and a brief activity, like drinks or coffee, which will limit the date if one or both of you is disappointed.

Help! I Want a Life!

JUST ASK DR. LEAH... My divorce was long and messy. I deliberately waited until the papers were signed not wanting to involve anyone in my divorce chaos. My children are everything to me, but I want to live my life. I'm thinking about dating, but I want to think things through. What is your advice for the single mom looking for a social life?

DR. LEAH REPLIES... Dating for single moms and dads is so much more complicated than for childless singles. We have strong identities as families and consider ourselves automatically as a 'package deal.' We have so little free time, but single parents, like everyone else, need to share our lives and feel connected with other adults. Dating as a single parent, however, requires an extra measure of planning and judgment to prevent unnecessary hurt and disappointment.

Think about what dating really means... Dating is getting to know someone you hardly know at all. Most of us have dated many different people, and, almost always, it is obvious that this person is not going to become a significant part of your life. You are entitled to experience--- good, bad, or indifferent--- whatever this person brings into your life. This is what being a grown-up is all about.

Dating is for grown-ups... Nothing about casual dating has anything to do with the emotional needs of children. Children need stability and predictability. Introducing your child into this who knows what might happen dating world is just not the right thing to do. It is tough enough when a dating relationship does not turn as you hoped. You are the grown-up and have the ability to see things in perspective. When children form a relationship to a parent’s casual dating partner, these children suffer loss when that special person is no longer around. This loss can be expected since most dating relationships end, often badly. Too many losses harm a child’s ability to trust. Human beings who cannot trust are damaged, often beyond repair.

Everyone needs a break... Dating is an opportunity to try out new things, meet new people, and simply be a person rather than a parent. Why not enjoy these opportunities and take a break from your hectic schedule of child responsibilities? Your children do not have to be included in every part of your life. It is okay to keep a part of your life just for you.

© Copyright 2006 by Leah Klungness, Ph.D. All rights reserved. | Privacy Policy | Contact Dr. Leah