Struggling with
single parenthood?

FAMILY SECRETS

Just Ask Dr. Leah... I married a much older man who has two grown sons. We have a daughter together aged four. My husband's divorce from his first wife was bitter. While he fulfilled all his financial obligations, he does not see his sons regularly. Yesterday, our daughter asked me if she had brothers or sisters. I quickly lied and said no, but, of course, the truth is that my daughter does have two step-brothers. Is there really any reason to share this information with her? Can't this information just stay a secret?

There are really no secrets any more. With a few keystrokes, anyone can trace their genealogy or even discover all kinds of information about their next-door neighbor. Withholding the truth can be risky business, because eventually it will come out. Many people know about your husband's first family. It is simply a matter of time before someone accidentally says something, and then your daughter will most likely feel betrayed and confused by your dishonesty. Withholding the truth also takes a lot of extra energy, as we worry about the truth being discovered.

Why do you want this information secret? Certainly all of us have withheld certain facts about our backgrounds and experiences at various points in our lives. And when we do so, there are typically compelling reasons. However, keeping information from your daughter about the existence of blood relatives really appears to serve no useful purpose. Perhaps your desire to withhold this information has to do with an unexpressed wish that you and your daughter are your husband's only family. You may wish that, somehow, his past would disappear and it would just be the three of you. This is simply not realistic. All adults have a past. Denying your husband's past by neglecting to share this information with your daughter simply sets the stage for mistrust and heartache.

What do I tell my child? Obviously, neither you nor your husband have felt comfortable bringing these facts out in the open or you would have already made your daughter aware she has two step-brothers. In private, you and your husband need to decide what you feel comfortable sharing with your daughter now. The best approach is simple and straightforward. Look for the opportunities to point out different family set-ups. Step-brothers and sisters are common. Remarriage and blended families are found on nearly every block. You might begin by using a blended family you know as an example. She is probably aware that the children in that family have a common mother or father. Explain to your daughter that she also has brothers who have the same daddy. You may want to say that she does not live with these brothers because they are grown-up. She may be satisfied with this information for now and ask more questions (or the same questions again) at a later time. If you are unsure of how to answer or what to say, tell your daughter that she has asked a good question and you will have to think about the answer. Finally, try to have these conversations with both of you present so that she sees that her parents are comfortable sharing this information and accepting of her feelings and concerns.