When Children Won’t Listen

JUST ASK DR. LEAH... I have a twelve-year-old son who simply won’t listen. My husband and I just recently divorced, and I think my son is convinced that he is the one in control. He believes that what I say doesn’t matter. I have no idea how to deal with this issue. Every time I give an order, he won’t obey. Do you have any idea how to fix this problem?

DR. LEAH REPLIES... Divorce for everyone in the family is an upsetting and traumatic time. Your son may act like he is in control, but your son’s behavior tells us he feels out of control. Think about it. Your typical household routines have been disrupted. You and your former husband are probably living apart. You may have started to work when before you were a stay at home mom. May-be you are just intensifying your work schedule to try to make ends meet. Both you and his father are preoccupied, angry, and hurt. Your communication may have dwindled to nothing. Everything has changed and change is tough even under the best of circumstances. Your son is in the midst of puberty, never an easy time, and also is challenged by school demands and all the peer stuff that is part of every twelve year old’s life.

Chose your words carefully... This has been a horrible time for you. You are stressed to the max and probably have been short-tempered. Try to give fewer “orders” and watch your tone of voice. “Please” and “thank you” will go a long way. While every parent request does not require a lengthy explanation, try to let your son know why you need certain things to be done. This should increase his level of cooperation and you may even start to hear polite words in return.

Get back to basics... Do what you can to reestablish household routines. Take-out food is expensive and provides little of the nutrition everyone needs. Devise simple menus and try to start sharing mealtime together. Deal with laundry before the piles become mountains. Clean clothes are both a necessity and a comfort. Encourage your son to invite his friends to your home. This is especially important if you are less than enthusiastic about his friends or feel that he may have become isolated during the divorce. These strategies show your son that you are in charge in ways that bring him comfort and can be counted upon to take care of him.

Contact the school... If your son is giving his teachers the same attitude, it is likely you would have heard about it. More likely, your son is showing his feelings in the place he feels safe---home. Some children fall behind when parents divorce because the emotional turmoil experienced makes them less available for learning. Check with his guidance counselor and make sure that everything is okay at school.

Talk with Dad... Are you able to share any of your concerns with his dad? In the best of worlds you two would sit down and try to figure out how to keep things as consistent and predictable as possible for your son. Probably, this won’t happen. Make the effort, however, to try and keep communication open with Dad. Try to listen to his point of view and see how you can work together to make things better for your son. If things are particularly strained, e-mail is often a good way to begin.

Different houses—Different Rules... Try to be as accepting as possible of the differences in rules and expectations your son will experience. You may feel you are getting a bad deal since you are the one who is constantly nagging about homework and household chores while Dad seems to be just about fun and games. These differences will allow your son to see that different standards are acceptable in different places. This is a valuable life lesson. Try not to interrogate your son every time he returns from time with Dad.

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