Should a "Buddy" be Your Child's Father?

JUST ASK DR. LEAH... My best friend is a guy and there is no one I admire more. We share many interests and values. He is healthy and active. We just never had any chemistry together. I am seriously considering asking him to father a child for me. Isn't this enough information or do I need to know more?

DR. LEAH REPLIES... Single motherhood is not a choice to be taken lightly, whether you plan to conceive through intercourse with someone you know or through donor insemination (DI) using the resources of a sperm bank. There is no perfect situation or time or place to become a single mother. Make sure you have explored all your options and are making the best decision for you and your child.

Talk to an attorney. Before conceiving with a known donor, the first thing to do is consult with an attorney specializing in family law, whether you have just met this person only once or twice or you have been close friends since childhood. What guarantees do you have that this man won't change his mind one day and want to become involved in your life? For this reason alone, it is critically important to draw up a legal agreement in the early stages of planning your pregnancy. Men have been known to sue for custody after changing their minds about being a father or because they are now in a relationship with a woman unable to conceive. Have you though out what would happen if he sues for visitation rights or even for custody? Establishing paternity is as simple as sticking out your finger for a blood test. Contentious legal battles rage today on the question of what constitutes a parental relationship. A thoughtful known donor will be concerned that one day you might potentially sue him for child support. Just because you now say you won't, what would happen if you lost your job and had to declare bankruptcy or you or your child became critically ill?

All these possibilities may seem unlikely, but an important part of being a responsible parent is to anticipate possible problems and take steps to safeguard yourself and your child.

Bottom line: A known donor will have legal rights, if he chooses to exercise them.

Take a hard and realistic look at your feelings. Of course, men and women can enjoy mutually beneficial and supportive friendships. But, you need to be clear about why the man you admire the most is not a potential romantic partner. Are you hoping, perhaps, that the emotionally intense experience of making a baby together will somehow jumpstart this now platonic relationship into the more traditional family set-up of love, marriage, and the baby carriage?

Do you have a definite plan? Have you decided upon intercourse with this person, or do you want to be inseminated with his sperm without the physical act? You may hope that intercourse will change your relationship from solid friendship to committed romance. Intercourse certainly has its advantages, but donor insemination (DI) rarely brings the intense and unexpected feelings that can complicate your plans. Think this out carefully for yourself.

What is your guy friend honestly thinking? Perhaps it is your guy friend who is hoping for more than friendship when he offers to father your child? Have you considered exactly why he is so willing to father your child? Could he potentially back out when the time came, even though he has agreed for now?

What don't you know? Can you be sure that he is furnishing all his medical information and has answered all your questions honestly? Sperm banks employ cutting-edge technology to detect infectious diseases and other potential health risks. This rigorous testing means that fewer than 3 percent of prospective sperm donors are accepted into leading sperm banks. Has he been tested for HIV at least twice with a six month interval between tests? What about his family history of mental disorders including depression, personality disorder, and drug/alcohol addiction? 

What will you tell your child? Discuss with this person what you will tell your child. Make absolutely sure that you are both willing to give your child the same factual information and emotional message. You are planning to tell your child that you wanted him or her more than anything else in the world. What does he plan to say?

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