Blending Families

JUST ASK DR. LEAH... My wife and I recently married. Each of us has school-aged children from previous relationships. Although everyone seemed to get along well before we married, things are tougher than we expected. Discipline and household routines seem to be our biggest problems. None of our children listens to the other parent and things are getting tense. We need some advice

DR. LEAH REPLIES... Forget the Brady Bunch and other fantasy images of blended families portrayed in the media. Blending two families together in real life under one roof is an enormous challenge. You and your wife are newlyweds, but certainly don't have the luxury with children around to think only about your relationship. Your marriage and subsequent upheaval in living arrangements mean that all the children are confronting change and loss simultaneously.

Change. Many aspects of your children's lives have changed. Sharing a bedroom with a "new" sibling; adjusting to different family routines; less solo time with each parent; adapting to different roles in the family---all big adjustments. Perhaps, the "baby of the family" is no longer the baby or the star athlete now has competition for that role from a step-brother or sister. Nothing is more challenging than navigating massive changes in your everyday life.

Loss. Children typically wish way past reason and reality that their biological parents will somehow get back together. Your new marriage makes a clear statement that this wish will not be fulfilled. As well, your children may be hearing rumblings of discontent or not too subtle requests for information about your new household from their other parent. Your children may look back and wish for simpler times when they had only two parents instead of potentially four. Confusion and acting out behavior are often the result of not knowing quite how to manage the demands of change and loss.

No overnight miracles. Expect a bumpy road and be ready to discover that building a blended family is hard work. For many, this transition period will take at least a year. Add to this the normal stresses of everyday life such as school, athletic competition, and peer pressure This new marriage may be a dream come true for you, but for your children the necessary adjustments can seem a little overwhelming.

Be realistic. Think small steps rather than great leaps. Look for opportunities to praise these small steps, like one child volunteering to help another with homework. Modeling polite and cooperative behavior is critical. Make "Please" and "Thank you" part of everyone's vocabulary. Stress the value of kindness and mutual respect. Try to keep expected disputes between "Mom" and "Dad" civil and private, if possible. Poor behavior on your part will certainly make everyone's adjustment more difficult.

Routines and Responsibilities. Routines will help day to day life go much more smoothly. Make sure that the routines you establish are realistic and flexible, when needed. If the children seem to balk at following a routine, try to understand why. Try to get a clear perspective of their take on the situation. Ask them for their suggestions on how things could be improved. What could be changed to make the situation work for them? Share your perspective and your own feelings and needs. Do overflowing garbage pails and piles of laundry make you feel unglued? Share the feeling. Be ready, however, to listen to the children who may perceive that your life is a constant quest for some unattainable standard of cleanliness. Everyone will not share each other’s sense of a task’s importance. Compromises and priorities will have to be reached and agreed upon. Do the children have a different way that will still get the job done? Try to encourage active problem solving and respect for everyone's point of view. Delegate rather than take on an unreasonable and unfair level of responsibility for household duties.

Support each other. While the family may make some decisions, others will come down from "Mom" and "Dad". It's important that the children see that you two are united and unconditionally support each other. This will usually stop or limit children playing one parent off the other or testing the limits by disobeying family rules. Set aside private time away from the children to talk out disagreements you will certainly have about household rules and how the children are disciplined. Schedule this time like a business meeting and don’t let it interfere with the "new couple" time you need to build your marital relationship.

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